Passive-aggression.
How to recognise it and tips to deal with it.
Passive-aggressive behaviour is a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. There’s a disconnect between what a passive-aggressive person says and what he or she does. For a passive-aggressive person, true feelings are shared through actions, not words.
For example, a passive-aggressive person might appear to agree, perhaps even enthusiastically, with another person’s request. Rather than completing the task, however, he or she might express anger or resentment by missing deadlines, showing up late to meetings, ‘forgetting ‘ or deliberately not replying to calls or emails, making excuses or even working against the task. The passive-aggressive will always seem like the nice guy whilst seething below the surface as unable to voice their hostility.
If you are having to deal with someone who is passive-aggressive it can cause you all sorts of problems. Learn to be assertive in expressing yourself. You have a right to your thoughts and feelings so communicate them with honesty and truth. You may feel anger and resentment and this is a perfectly normal reaction to abnormal behaviour. A passive aggressive might not always show that they are angry or resentful. They might appear in agreement, polite, friendly, down-to-earth, kind and well-meaning. However, underneath there may be manipulation going on – hence the term “Passive-Aggressive”.
Specific signs and symptoms of passive-aggressive behaviour include
- Resentment and opposition to the requests of others
- Chronic forgetting -shows a blatant disrespect and disregard for others to punish in some way
- Making excuses -always coming up with reasons for not doing things
- Intentional inefficiency
- Chronically being late is another way to exert control or to punish
- Convenient forgetfulness: to win any argument with denial
- Embarrassing co-workers during meetings and presentations
- Ambiguity being cryptic, unclear, not fully engaging in conversations
- Sulking being silent, morose, sullen and resentful in order to get attention or sympathy
- Procrastination
- Complaining about feeling underappreciated or cheated
- Stubbornness
- Memory lapses
- Sullenness
- Irritability
- Cynical or hostile attitude
Although passive-aggressive behavior can be a feature of various mental health conditions, it isn’t considered a mental illness. If you find you are being passive-aggressive and it is interfering with your relationships at work or home consult a therapist who can help you identify and try to change your behaviour. In being passive aggressive you are not giving yourself or others an opportunity to listen to what you think or feel.
Passive aggression might be seen as a defence mechanism that people use to protect themselves. It might be automatic and might stem from early experiences. What they are protecting themselves from will be unique and individual to each person; although might include underlying feelings of rejection, fear, mistrust, insecurity and/or low self-esteem.
Patterns of unassertive and passive behavior may have been learnt in childhood as a coping strategy possibly as a response to parents who may have been too controlling or not allowing their child to express their thoughts and feelings freely. To cope, a child might adopt a passive-aggressive behavior pattern. For example if a child was ridiculed, put-down or punished for openly expressing their feelings or disagreeing with their parents the child would learn to substitute open expression for passive resistance – agreeing with what mum or dad said in order to be a “good child” or not speaking out honestly or at all. If there was a consistent pattern within the family of punishment or rejection for asserting themselves the child would learn to become highly skilled at passively rebelling.
Consequences of Passive Aggressive Behaviour:
- When on the receiving end of passive aggression, you can feel confused, upset, offended, guilty and frustrated. You may think you’ve done something wrong, but have no clear idea what it was.
- It avoids communication in a very negative way.
- It creates insecurity in all parties.
- It creates a bad atmosphere between people.
- It is a form of conflict where either both or one party cannot engage sensibly in the issues.
- It avoids the real issues.
- It creates negative feelings and resentments in an unassertive way.
Five tips for coping with the passive-aggressive behaviour of others:
- Become aware of how passive aggression operates and try to understand.
- Explain how their behaviour towards you is affecting you. Communicate calmly without blaming – i.e. talk about how you feel and what you think without using language that will enflame the situation more. For example you might say “I feel upset by your behaviour” rather than “you’ve done this or that”.
- Be aware of your responses to others and yourself– do not blame yourself for the behaviour and reaction of others
- If the aggressive behaviour of others continues to affect you in a negative way, set clear boundaries around yourself – rules for what you will and won’t accept. Stay strong and focused and get on with your life in a positive way.
- Do not try to fight passive-aggression with passive-aggression as this just makes a cycle that is difficult to break.
http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/what-is-passive-aggressive-behaviour
http://www.livestrong.com/article/13533-treat-passive-aggressive-behavior/
Editors Note:
Passive aggression seems to be a relatively new malaise. When I was younger most people would say what they felt had to say, maybe have discussion or even argument and move on. Nowadays that seems to be interpreted as confrontational behaviour and very much frowned upon. As the recipient of passive aggressive behaviour I find it puzzling and frustrating that so many people seem to be unable to express their feelings in a healthy way and see fit to play these underhand games. And then when you complain you are perceived as wrong or ‘confrontational’.
There is a really good article here by one of our writers that I would recommend to anyone:
Phoenix
January 2012
Phoenix is the editor of this site and was diagnosed with bipolar twenty years ago. In between 8 periods of illness and hospitalisation she trained as a garden designer and was a awarded an RHS Diploma, gained a first class degree in Cultural Studies and a Certificate in Education that enables her to lecture in Recovery in Mental Health to psychiatric nurse students and mental health professionals at universities.
Phoenix leads a diverse life which she attributes to Wellness Recovery Action Planning and all aspects of Recovery. In the last 2 years she performed stand up comedy. Laughter truly is the best medicine! Now she is concentrating on being involved in improving conditions for inpatients and service receivers trustwide. And training in WRAP, Recovery Star and the new Advanced Statement and some gardening for health. Also with some great new art projects. 
